I briskly walked to where I would be in the sunshine and my nose tickled once the warmth hit it. The tune was to the beat of my favorite new band and my feet skipped along. I began to ramp up to start on a little jog when I looked down...and realized I had never changed into my running shoes. My smudged and flat footed converse were definitely not going to be much help for this trip.
I smiled. Then laughed. Because only I would be spacey enough to not even look at my feet before going on a run.
But then I realized some freedom bursting through the pity I was having on my silly artsy brain. This is who I am. And that is enough to celebrate. For so much of my life I have stayed within the walls that every single person around me have drawn with their purple crayon. Unless my name is Harold, I don't belong in that purple box.
'this is smart, this is wise, this is admirable, you are a yellow and blue personality, you should enjoy these books, listening to NPR is essential for being an informed citizen, Christians do this because that's what they've always done, the best kind of travel is organized church work, your wedding needs these specific events and in this order, your marriage won't survive unless you pray together every night, you're probably allergic to this and this,' and ON and ON and ON. My life has been one big craft of tacky glue and popsicle sticks of obligation.
Subtly and slowly my identity has been shaped. Not because of what people have told me, but because I took heart and listened to those things...
So back to my obligated run.
At first I undoubtedly was frustrated I either had to go back and get my running shoes or just walk. But then I realized I hated running anyways. My hips and knees hurt. My timer is just the molasses tick of death by wheezing and my mind always tried to overcome the pain so I could do my "20 minutes a day of cardio". So I walked and never looked at the time. And I took big deep breaths of Autumn air. I sang out loud. I skipped on the boulders that outlined the road like a 4 year old who can't stay on task. And I sat on the grass till I was bored and started walking home.
Each minute was exhilarating just being God's child in a world He created so I would feel loved. I would definitely call it a date...and boy am I learning to enjoy the moments with Him when my heart just grows right out of my chest and I feel joy for who He made me.
I am on the journey of freeing my soul. I have lived in a cage where the door was flung open forever ago and yet my fear glued me to the bottom of my own prison. Fear of not being respected or wise or making someone around me upset by who I was or what I thought.
So don't be surprised if I tell a bad joke and then laugh at myself. Eat chocolate for breakfast. Lay in bed and let my mind wander until I literally don't have a minute more to spare. Enjoy a little coffee with my whip cream. Mismatch my outfit because it was fun. Or you know, visit somewhere amazing and never come home.
Humbled and Happy,
ApplePie
